July 24, 4:30 P.M. PST
Tanguay, answer the God-damn phone. Where the hell are you? I think I know what’s missing from your blog: sex. Think about it. What do people use the Internet for more than anything else? That’s right, sexual titillation. I’m talking porn, man, in every imaginable variety -- boy on boy, girl on girl, two boys and a girl, men abusing goats, women pleasuring themselves with dildos the size of baseball bats. Get the idea? Give people what they want. The Balcony is too fucking serious. Life is full of dire news, famine, war, pestilence, drought, murder, slavery, scandal, child abuse, earthquakes, tidal waves, death, death and more death. Why do you think reality TV is so popular? Because people need to escape the stifling confines of their boring lives by becoming absorbed in other people’s totally dysfunctional lives. Give up writing serious shit about serious subjects and become a porn impresario – that’s my advice. In case you’re wondering, I’m half in the bag. OK, more like three quarters. OK, three and a half. For the past hour I’ve been drinking tequila shots in the airport bar with a professional poker player. Least that’s what he claims. Weird, pint-sized guy, oversized head, small hands, very dark eyes, but a helluva drinker! Anyway, I’m in Vancouver, on my way to San Francisco and then Maui for a week of R&R. We’ll catch up when I get back. Do me a favor and stop by my house and check for squatters, particularly of the female variety. If you see a dark-haired woman who looks like a gypsy, run like hell. And remember, people want porn. Amen and good luck.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Downward Spiral
Deep into summer here on the Platinum Coast, long evenings with clear skies and the day’s heat finally abating, diffused sun falling through the eucalyptus trees. Tonight I am thinking about Hunter Thompson who put a pistol to his head six years ago and pulled the trigger. Dr. Thompson wrote – a full three years before Sarah Palin thudded on the national stage and proved his point beyond any reasonable doubt -- that America was locked in a downward spiral of dumbness.
All you need do is switch on the TV and watch the news for three minutes, white noise on every channel about the debt ceiling and the potential default by the world’s leading debtor nation. President Obama stands on one side, his weak spine barely holding him upright, while John Boehner and his Nazi lapdog, Eric Cantor, stand on the other. Nobody mentions that the debt ceiling crisis is wholly contrived and manufactured, a faux crisis if ever there was one, nothing more than blatant opportunism on the part of the GOP to further emasculate government, continue the rollback of basic entitlement programs like Medicare and Social Security, and score political points with anti-tax ideologues ahead of the 2012 presidential election. The BS is so thick and noxious on both sides that only a policy wonk can begin to understand the deal, but maybe all you need to know is that the debt ceiling was raised at least a half dozen times – without debate -- during the W. Bush junta.
For all their disdain of government and praise for “free markets” as the cure for every human problem, from toe fungus to cancer, I haven’t heard Boehner or Cantor offer to relinquish their government salaries, gold-plated health benefits, or guaranteed pensions as a symbolic gesture of austerity. When public servants in Wisconsin or Ohio or Indiana are demonized as the cause of budget deficits, stripped of their collective bargaining rights or forced to accept unpaid furloughs and pay cuts, Boehner and Cantor have nothing to say. Austerity is fine when it happens to someone else.
Slice it any way you want, hypocrisy is hypocrisy and Washington DC is brimming with it. The poor and the elderly and the unemployed must sacrifice, you see, lift themselves by their own shoestrings and learn to stand on their own while those with the most are exempt from any and all sacrifice.
The tables are rigged and the game is fixed. In America, the wealthy always get out of jail free and always pass GO on their way to the bank.
Downward into the swirling vortex, twisting, turning, spinning through icy air, past common sense, past moderation, past compromise, past empathy for the less fortunate, past sympathy for the unlucky, past forgiveness for the damned, past overflowing jail cells, past cemeteries, past toilets clogged with shit, past troughs filled with piss, past denuded forests, past polluted lakes, past windowless factories, past the truth, past popes and cardinals and bishops, and past corporate chieftains perched on golden thrones.
What does it mean? Everything. Nothing. The sun drops behind the eucalyptus trees. The smell of lighter fluid drifts on the evening breeze. A man and a woman argue in Spanish. Far off a Southern Pacific freighter rumbles through town.
All you need do is switch on the TV and watch the news for three minutes, white noise on every channel about the debt ceiling and the potential default by the world’s leading debtor nation. President Obama stands on one side, his weak spine barely holding him upright, while John Boehner and his Nazi lapdog, Eric Cantor, stand on the other. Nobody mentions that the debt ceiling crisis is wholly contrived and manufactured, a faux crisis if ever there was one, nothing more than blatant opportunism on the part of the GOP to further emasculate government, continue the rollback of basic entitlement programs like Medicare and Social Security, and score political points with anti-tax ideologues ahead of the 2012 presidential election. The BS is so thick and noxious on both sides that only a policy wonk can begin to understand the deal, but maybe all you need to know is that the debt ceiling was raised at least a half dozen times – without debate -- during the W. Bush junta.
For all their disdain of government and praise for “free markets” as the cure for every human problem, from toe fungus to cancer, I haven’t heard Boehner or Cantor offer to relinquish their government salaries, gold-plated health benefits, or guaranteed pensions as a symbolic gesture of austerity. When public servants in Wisconsin or Ohio or Indiana are demonized as the cause of budget deficits, stripped of their collective bargaining rights or forced to accept unpaid furloughs and pay cuts, Boehner and Cantor have nothing to say. Austerity is fine when it happens to someone else.
Slice it any way you want, hypocrisy is hypocrisy and Washington DC is brimming with it. The poor and the elderly and the unemployed must sacrifice, you see, lift themselves by their own shoestrings and learn to stand on their own while those with the most are exempt from any and all sacrifice.
The tables are rigged and the game is fixed. In America, the wealthy always get out of jail free and always pass GO on their way to the bank.
Downward into the swirling vortex, twisting, turning, spinning through icy air, past common sense, past moderation, past compromise, past empathy for the less fortunate, past sympathy for the unlucky, past forgiveness for the damned, past overflowing jail cells, past cemeteries, past toilets clogged with shit, past troughs filled with piss, past denuded forests, past polluted lakes, past windowless factories, past the truth, past popes and cardinals and bishops, and past corporate chieftains perched on golden thrones.
What does it mean? Everything. Nothing. The sun drops behind the eucalyptus trees. The smell of lighter fluid drifts on the evening breeze. A man and a woman argue in Spanish. Far off a Southern Pacific freighter rumbles through town.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Short Fiction: Last Call
Repko’s wife drained her wine glass and gestured to him for a refill.
Take it easy tonight.
Fill. It’s the only thing that dulls my pain.
What pain is that?
Being married to you, for one thing.
Really?
It’s not what I dreamed about when I was a little girl.
You think you’re a picnic?
Fill.
I wanted better for myself, too, you know? I had dreams, aspirations even.
The only dreams you ever had were wet ones. Fill ‘er up.
You’re a mean drunk, Valerie. You used to be a kind person, but now you’re just mean. What happened?
What happened? Shit happened, that’s what. You happened. My crummy job happened. More shit happened. Shit, shit and more shit. It’s all shit, a great big stinking hill of shit.
You’re very negative, Valerie.
Well, I have reason to be.
Your aura is cloudy.
What do you know about auras?
I know more than you give me credit for. Believe it or not, I’m connected to my spiritual dimension and I know a cloudy aura when I see one. Yours is cloudy, like there’s a dust storm swirling around it.
You’re full of shit. Shit’s coming out of your ears. I’ve never heard anything more ridiculous in my life. Fill!
Repko started to uncork the bottle but then thought better of it and smashed it down on Valerie’s head, something he had fantasized about doing for years. The sensation that ran up his arm was even more satisfying than he had imagined. Surprisingly, the bottle didn’t shatter. Valerie fell backwards. Her eyes rolled up in her head and her mouth opened as if she had one final thing to say, but nothing came out except a grunt. Rivulets of blood rolled down her face.
Repko uncorked the bottle, filled Valerie’s glass, and offered a silent toast to his now dead wife.
Take it easy tonight.
Fill. It’s the only thing that dulls my pain.
What pain is that?
Being married to you, for one thing.
Really?
It’s not what I dreamed about when I was a little girl.
You think you’re a picnic?
Fill.
I wanted better for myself, too, you know? I had dreams, aspirations even.
The only dreams you ever had were wet ones. Fill ‘er up.
You’re a mean drunk, Valerie. You used to be a kind person, but now you’re just mean. What happened?
What happened? Shit happened, that’s what. You happened. My crummy job happened. More shit happened. Shit, shit and more shit. It’s all shit, a great big stinking hill of shit.
You’re very negative, Valerie.
Well, I have reason to be.
Your aura is cloudy.
What do you know about auras?
I know more than you give me credit for. Believe it or not, I’m connected to my spiritual dimension and I know a cloudy aura when I see one. Yours is cloudy, like there’s a dust storm swirling around it.
You’re full of shit. Shit’s coming out of your ears. I’ve never heard anything more ridiculous in my life. Fill!
Repko started to uncork the bottle but then thought better of it and smashed it down on Valerie’s head, something he had fantasized about doing for years. The sensation that ran up his arm was even more satisfying than he had imagined. Surprisingly, the bottle didn’t shatter. Valerie fell backwards. Her eyes rolled up in her head and her mouth opened as if she had one final thing to say, but nothing came out except a grunt. Rivulets of blood rolled down her face.
Repko uncorked the bottle, filled Valerie’s glass, and offered a silent toast to his now dead wife.
Monday, July 04, 2011
Star Spangled Nightmare
It’s the 4th of July and part of me feels compelled to write something high-minded about America. Land of the free, home of the brave, 1776, beacon of liberty -- all that stuff. Yes, take the exalted path and pen something in praise of the birth of a free nation, steeped in the principles of the Enlightenment. John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, George Washington, John Hancock, a few of the fabled founding fathers that Michelle Bachmann always refers to in her speeches to Tea Party faithful – as if to say: if we only return to the time-tested values of our white fathers, all will again be well.
Today the star spangled banner will play from thousands of loud speakers, Gob Bless America will be sung in ballparks and arenas, hot dogs will hiss on BBQ grills, bands will march…
Damn it! Why is a vision of a leering George W. Bush slipping across my mind? Why is Dick Cheney sinking his teeth into Jefferson’s neck? Why is that skinny bitch Ann Coulter flashing her insipid tits at John Adams? Am I losing my mind? Am I having a waking nightmare? Is this what psychosis feels like when it finally takes hold?
Wow! Where did that come from? It was like 2003 all over again, when Dick and W ran roughshod over the Constitution and lied through their teeth about the need for America to invade and occupy Iraq. But it’s better now, right, and if the Founding Fathers are gazing down on this fruited plain, surely they are smiling?
OK, maybe not. Washington is teary-eyed and Jefferson is livid with rage, John Adams can’t believe what has become of America, and John Hancock simply mutters, “Bastards, bastards, bastards” over and over. The venerable Founders look at the current Congress, aghast that a single great leader cannot be found beneath the dome. Instead they see a house filled with clowns, idiots, shysters, fools, pederasts, homophobes, morons, perverts and criminals, all of them grubbing for money from corporate lobbyists and shilling for wealthy donors. Of the two political parties, one is in thrall to a failed ideology and the other is craven and intellectually bankrupt. Meanwhile, the president is a serial coward who repeatedly raises the white flag and flees the battlefield before the first shot is fired.
And the people, the good, decent American people that Mitt Romney and Bachmann and Newt Gingrich and Rick Perry are always droning on about, how are they getting on? Not so well. Many are running scared in the face of a bewildering economy that serves the few on the backs of the many, swimming in debt or waiting to lose their homes to the maw of a pitiless foreclosure machine. The cost of living rises but decent jobs at living wages are harder to find than a moderate Republican, and the playing field that once made sense and held promise is now tilted against wage earners.
Washington, the military hero, cannot fathom how easily the nation commits its sons and daughters to murky wars in distant lands, and how little sacrifice is asked from the people, and how these wars go on without end, long after the rational for them expires. The military generals cow the politicians and in turn the politicians frighten the population with predictions of dire consequences should our soldiers come home before the mission is complete. The huge footprint left by the American military colossus on the globe – particularly in places where oil is found -- tells Washington that something besides national security is in play…
Whoa, man, this is getting heavy. Don’t be such a downer. What about fireworks and cold beer, juicy hamburgers, and American flags snapping in the breeze? Don’t stress about the economy, distant wars, political gridlock or the fact that the FBI and the NSA spy on us. Forget all that dark stuff. Crack a cold Budweiser and stick your head in the sand. Now you’re behaving like a patriotic American.
Today the star spangled banner will play from thousands of loud speakers, Gob Bless America will be sung in ballparks and arenas, hot dogs will hiss on BBQ grills, bands will march…
Damn it! Why is a vision of a leering George W. Bush slipping across my mind? Why is Dick Cheney sinking his teeth into Jefferson’s neck? Why is that skinny bitch Ann Coulter flashing her insipid tits at John Adams? Am I losing my mind? Am I having a waking nightmare? Is this what psychosis feels like when it finally takes hold?
Wow! Where did that come from? It was like 2003 all over again, when Dick and W ran roughshod over the Constitution and lied through their teeth about the need for America to invade and occupy Iraq. But it’s better now, right, and if the Founding Fathers are gazing down on this fruited plain, surely they are smiling?
OK, maybe not. Washington is teary-eyed and Jefferson is livid with rage, John Adams can’t believe what has become of America, and John Hancock simply mutters, “Bastards, bastards, bastards” over and over. The venerable Founders look at the current Congress, aghast that a single great leader cannot be found beneath the dome. Instead they see a house filled with clowns, idiots, shysters, fools, pederasts, homophobes, morons, perverts and criminals, all of them grubbing for money from corporate lobbyists and shilling for wealthy donors. Of the two political parties, one is in thrall to a failed ideology and the other is craven and intellectually bankrupt. Meanwhile, the president is a serial coward who repeatedly raises the white flag and flees the battlefield before the first shot is fired.
And the people, the good, decent American people that Mitt Romney and Bachmann and Newt Gingrich and Rick Perry are always droning on about, how are they getting on? Not so well. Many are running scared in the face of a bewildering economy that serves the few on the backs of the many, swimming in debt or waiting to lose their homes to the maw of a pitiless foreclosure machine. The cost of living rises but decent jobs at living wages are harder to find than a moderate Republican, and the playing field that once made sense and held promise is now tilted against wage earners.
Washington, the military hero, cannot fathom how easily the nation commits its sons and daughters to murky wars in distant lands, and how little sacrifice is asked from the people, and how these wars go on without end, long after the rational for them expires. The military generals cow the politicians and in turn the politicians frighten the population with predictions of dire consequences should our soldiers come home before the mission is complete. The huge footprint left by the American military colossus on the globe – particularly in places where oil is found -- tells Washington that something besides national security is in play…
Whoa, man, this is getting heavy. Don’t be such a downer. What about fireworks and cold beer, juicy hamburgers, and American flags snapping in the breeze? Don’t stress about the economy, distant wars, political gridlock or the fact that the FBI and the NSA spy on us. Forget all that dark stuff. Crack a cold Budweiser and stick your head in the sand. Now you’re behaving like a patriotic American.
Saturday, July 02, 2011
Fly, Redux
Note: Fly made his first appearance on the Balcony on April 15, 2011.
Greetings. Fly here, still stuck in our nation’s capitol where the people are truly cuckoo. After my experience in John Boehner’s office, all I wanted was to return to the suburbs of Northern Virginia and the simple joy of stalking backyard BBQ’s.
One thing I’ve learned about DC: it’s easy to get in and hard to get out, which might explain why some of these political hacks remain for decades.
Anyway, I was buzzing along K Street, waiting for a prevailing breeze to carry me to the burbs, when I passed an open window in a nondescript office building where the odor of junk food was overpowering. I ducked in for a quick peek and saw this rotund gentlemen (OK, the truth is, he was a fat slob, at least 290 pounds) eating lunch at his desk. And what a feast it was: two Big Macs, French fries, king-size Dr. Pepper, a half pound bag of peanut M&M’s, and a vanilla shake. Nirvana! I dived, flew a tight loop around the shake, and then made a perfect landing on the French fries. The fat man paid no attention to me because he was looking at porn on his computer.
I dined slowly, savoring every delicious morsel, while the fat man gobbled his burger and watched two Asian women do things to each other that I dare not describe. And people think my kind dirty and disgusting! When the fat guy began fumbling with his belt buckle I flew to the far side of the room… As much as I love French fries, there are some acts I can’t be witness to.
My host quickly minimized his computer screen when there was a knock at the door and a man poked his head into the office. “Wassup Greg? Hey, French fries!”
“Help yourself.”
The newcomer’s name was Mark and he was as skinny as Greg was fat. Mark helped himself to a handful of fries and settled in a chair, all arms and legs, elbows, and an Adams apple the size of a golf ball.
“Is that a Dr. Pepper? I’m thirsty.”
“Mitts off. What time are you meeting with Senator McConnell?”
“Three-thirty. What you got for me?”
Greg cleared space on his desk. “OK, first thing is to remind the Senator that American Millionaires for Fair Taxation support the GOP’s efforts to revive the economy by cutting spending on wasteful entitlement programs – “
“No,” Mark interrupted. “The first thing is to remind the Senator of all the dough we’ve contributed to his re-election campaigns and those of his pals. OK, proceed.”
“Right. AMFT also supports further tax cuts – corporate and individual – because everyone knows that Americans are overtaxed. We’re encouraging our contacts at the New York Times, the TV networks, and the business press to print or air stories about the struggles of wealthy Americans. Average people don’t appreciate how stressful being fabulously wealthy can be. It’s not easy to maintain seven houses, a private plane, a helicopter, a fleet of BMW’s, a string of polo ponies and a private petting zoo.”
“Absolutely correct,” Mark said, stretching his long legs and helping himself to more fries. “Not to mention how hard it is to find decent domestic help. The wealthy are carrying the burden of jump-starting the economy and should therefore be rewarded for their heroic efforts. Good angle. I’m sure Senator McConnell will be happy to carry our message to his colleagues. Can we book him on Face the Nation?”
“Piece of cake, buddy. We control that agenda. M&M’s?”
OK, my friends, I’m on the wall thinking, OMG, WTF, again with this Kool-Aid? Is everyone in this town insane? Do they ever get outside the bubble and rub shoulders with real people? When have tax cuts for the rich ever produced jobs for the poor? I’m just a common, insignificant fly, but if I can understand how spurious that idea is, why can’t you?
“We’re also launching,” Greg continued, “an aggressive billboard campaign in selected cities. Check this out: photo of a man with blueprints tucked under his arm in front of a new office building, with the caption – ‘I’m a producer. I’ve earned my tax relief. Have you?’”
“Brilliant,” said Mark, helping himself to more M&M’s. “What else?”
“’Entitlement programs only produce debt.’ We’re thinking the photo will be of a fire hydrant spewing red ink.”
“Hunky-dory,” Mark said, unfolding his long body from the chair. “Keep producing this wonderful crap. God help us if the voters ever wake up and realize they’ve been fleeced. It will be like Greece, only ten times worse.”
“No chance,” Greg said. “Voters are irrelevant. Fist bump, dude!”
Before I flew out the window I crapped on Greg’s French fries. Take that, fat man! I should have jumped on the wind and gone straight to the burbs but I wasn’t through with DC yet. Somewhere in this former swamp there had to be someone who understood that the American people were being mugged by their elected representatives on behalf of plutocrats and vicious ideologues, and I was determined to find that person.
Fly will be back!
Greetings. Fly here, still stuck in our nation’s capitol where the people are truly cuckoo. After my experience in John Boehner’s office, all I wanted was to return to the suburbs of Northern Virginia and the simple joy of stalking backyard BBQ’s.
One thing I’ve learned about DC: it’s easy to get in and hard to get out, which might explain why some of these political hacks remain for decades.
Anyway, I was buzzing along K Street, waiting for a prevailing breeze to carry me to the burbs, when I passed an open window in a nondescript office building where the odor of junk food was overpowering. I ducked in for a quick peek and saw this rotund gentlemen (OK, the truth is, he was a fat slob, at least 290 pounds) eating lunch at his desk. And what a feast it was: two Big Macs, French fries, king-size Dr. Pepper, a half pound bag of peanut M&M’s, and a vanilla shake. Nirvana! I dived, flew a tight loop around the shake, and then made a perfect landing on the French fries. The fat man paid no attention to me because he was looking at porn on his computer.
I dined slowly, savoring every delicious morsel, while the fat man gobbled his burger and watched two Asian women do things to each other that I dare not describe. And people think my kind dirty and disgusting! When the fat guy began fumbling with his belt buckle I flew to the far side of the room… As much as I love French fries, there are some acts I can’t be witness to.
My host quickly minimized his computer screen when there was a knock at the door and a man poked his head into the office. “Wassup Greg? Hey, French fries!”
“Help yourself.”
The newcomer’s name was Mark and he was as skinny as Greg was fat. Mark helped himself to a handful of fries and settled in a chair, all arms and legs, elbows, and an Adams apple the size of a golf ball.
“Is that a Dr. Pepper? I’m thirsty.”
“Mitts off. What time are you meeting with Senator McConnell?”
“Three-thirty. What you got for me?”
Greg cleared space on his desk. “OK, first thing is to remind the Senator that American Millionaires for Fair Taxation support the GOP’s efforts to revive the economy by cutting spending on wasteful entitlement programs – “
“No,” Mark interrupted. “The first thing is to remind the Senator of all the dough we’ve contributed to his re-election campaigns and those of his pals. OK, proceed.”
“Right. AMFT also supports further tax cuts – corporate and individual – because everyone knows that Americans are overtaxed. We’re encouraging our contacts at the New York Times, the TV networks, and the business press to print or air stories about the struggles of wealthy Americans. Average people don’t appreciate how stressful being fabulously wealthy can be. It’s not easy to maintain seven houses, a private plane, a helicopter, a fleet of BMW’s, a string of polo ponies and a private petting zoo.”
“Absolutely correct,” Mark said, stretching his long legs and helping himself to more fries. “Not to mention how hard it is to find decent domestic help. The wealthy are carrying the burden of jump-starting the economy and should therefore be rewarded for their heroic efforts. Good angle. I’m sure Senator McConnell will be happy to carry our message to his colleagues. Can we book him on Face the Nation?”
“Piece of cake, buddy. We control that agenda. M&M’s?”
OK, my friends, I’m on the wall thinking, OMG, WTF, again with this Kool-Aid? Is everyone in this town insane? Do they ever get outside the bubble and rub shoulders with real people? When have tax cuts for the rich ever produced jobs for the poor? I’m just a common, insignificant fly, but if I can understand how spurious that idea is, why can’t you?
“We’re also launching,” Greg continued, “an aggressive billboard campaign in selected cities. Check this out: photo of a man with blueprints tucked under his arm in front of a new office building, with the caption – ‘I’m a producer. I’ve earned my tax relief. Have you?’”
“Brilliant,” said Mark, helping himself to more M&M’s. “What else?”
“’Entitlement programs only produce debt.’ We’re thinking the photo will be of a fire hydrant spewing red ink.”
“Hunky-dory,” Mark said, unfolding his long body from the chair. “Keep producing this wonderful crap. God help us if the voters ever wake up and realize they’ve been fleeced. It will be like Greece, only ten times worse.”
“No chance,” Greg said. “Voters are irrelevant. Fist bump, dude!”
Before I flew out the window I crapped on Greg’s French fries. Take that, fat man! I should have jumped on the wind and gone straight to the burbs but I wasn’t through with DC yet. Somewhere in this former swamp there had to be someone who understood that the American people were being mugged by their elected representatives on behalf of plutocrats and vicious ideologues, and I was determined to find that person.
Fly will be back!
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